The Illusion of Control
"God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr
It's nice to feel we are in control of a situation, isn't it? It makes us feel safe and secure. No nasty surprises, nothing to make us feel uncomfortable. The desire to rule out uncertainties is an instinct harking back to our caveman ancestors, where being sure that there was nothing waiting to pounce before setting foot outside the cave meant you get to live a little longer.
Of course, control in this sense does not exist.
Take a look around. By its very nature life is very uncertain. Just as that primitive man had no way of know for 100% sure that there was nothing toothy and hungry lurking nearby, none of us really know what is around the corner. Accidents happen, wars are declared, crops fail, stocks fall, loved ones leave us through death or divorce, earthquakes and hurricanes sweep away homes and livelihoods with little or no warning.
We could be forgiven for finding all this uncertainty very uncomfortable, even frightening, and for wanting to remove its source (or get us far away from it) as quickly as possible. That is our fight-or-flight response in action; an automatic reflex designed to protect us from harm, and very useful it is too when there is something larger and toothier than you intent on having you for breakfast.
Life for most of us these days is considerably more complex than it was in The Stone Age, but our nervous systems don't know this. As such, we are often using the same reflex for a huge range of situations that we find challenging. We develop a complex system of habits and behaviours aimed at avoiding the uncomfortable, unpleasant and unforeseen and creating a safe 'bubble' around us. But we can never allow for all the variables, so simple avoidance of what challenges us will never leave us feeling totally secure.
Many react to this feeling of insecurity by trying to exert more control over other aspects of their lives to compensate. A common example of this is a phobia of public speaking; after an embarrassing experience, an individual avoids the possibility of a repeat of that unpleasant experience. As far as their unconscious is concerned, it is the new Mr Toothy, a danger to be avoided at all costs.
Is the strategy of 'more of the same' successful? Well, Einstein summed it up best when he defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Taken to extremes, these avoidance tactics result in such limiting behaviours as binge-eating (to avoid feeling unloved), anorexia (to avoid being seen as fat), or obsessive compulsive order (to avoid everything except one small set of activities where they feel secure). The pursuit of feeling 'in control' has left them anything but.
So simply attempting to control our environment is stressful and pointless. What can we do instead? Luckily there is one aspect of our lives where we have real control: the power to CHOOSE.
Darwin noted that it was the animals who were able to adapt to changes in their environment that stood the greatest chance of survival. So it would seem logical that if we are able to choose how we respond in any given situation, rather than be driven by an unconscious compulsion, we become more resilient and flexible. This in turn allows us to accommodate a greater amount of uncertainty in our lives with less stress. This is what we talk about when we refer to 'rolling with the punches', 'going with the flow' or as Thomas Crum put it,
"Instead of seeing the rug pulled from under us, learn to dance on a shifting carpet."
I have an even simpler, if somewhat more colourful way of defining resilience: it's learning to say "Oh well" instead of "Oh s**t!" when things don't go as planned!
You may not feel you have the resources to make a different choice. This could mean staying in an unhappy relationship rather than face the unknown, or leaving the spider in the bath rather than removing it. This simply means that the resources needed are buried, not absent.
As with any journey of discovery, besides starting with a single step it is easier if you have some company along the way, especially if the terrain is new and unfamiliar. This is where cognitive-behavioural and hypnosis-based therapies can be especially helpful. They offer powerful tools to help you rapidly develop the means to respond more usefully to life and get you to where you want to be, living life to the fullest.
Are you ready to take the first step?